last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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