mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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