so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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