The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
