It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
