after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
