I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
