I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize