Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
