dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's shark week go big or go home
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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