i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
