yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
