best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
