I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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