walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
