I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
