my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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