Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
