Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Watching her eat just hurts me
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
