Soap is not a condiment
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
