He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
