Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
