I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
don't judge my taste in strippers
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
