Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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