Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
