awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
40s are totally the cure
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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