That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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