Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
