I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
