My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
