Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
