Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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