then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
