Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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