My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
