is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just google imaged poop.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
