We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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