I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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