found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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