So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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