I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize