bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
