what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
These tits shall not be calmed
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