Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
