Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
