U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
