If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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