On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
