Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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