Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I forget how to act sober
Randomize