I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
