Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
