you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
